* “You are the one with the real problem. Why should I have to go?”

* “I’m no good at talking about all that emotional crap — it will be a waste of time.”

* “I’m not interested in sharing personal stuff with a complete stranger. It doesn’t seem to stop you, so go right ahead.”

* “I’m too busy. We could never coordinate our schedules.”

Clearly each of these positions is a defense against a perceived danger. For some, the danger is the thought of being revealed as needing help, when our culture likes to pretend that grownups should not need help. For others, it seems dangerous to talk about problems, as if talking about something will magically make it worse. (Of course the opposite is what is true; talking is what can bring relief and healing.) Not knowing where the counseling will lead the couple also stirs up fear and defensiveness, particularly in folks with a high need for control. Some people find it embarrassing to have to talk with a stranger about personal matters, particularly when they are overly critical of themselves.

Defenses are there for a reason, and generally speaking it’s not a good idea to try to mow them down in a bold effort to improve things. If a person is adamant about refusing professional help, I recommend a move that stands a chance of finessing the defense: Go see the therapist without them.

One of the main concepts of family systems theory, which is behind most approaches to doing couple’s therapy, is the notion that if one person in a family changes, there is simply no way that the whole family will not also change. They cannot help but adjust to the changes demonstrated by the one in therapy. Here is a somewhat simplistic example: If Bill goes alone to therapy to deal with his unhappy marriage, it’s highly likely he will find relief and understanding at the therapist’s office. Then when he goes home feeling less critical of himself, he will be far less likely to fall into his usual patterns of being critical of his wife Megan. Then Megan will in turn have more patience with the children, and therefore they will have less trouble focusing on getting their homework done, because they aren’t worrying about why Mom is so mean to them. Pretty soon everyone is doing things differently, and more peacefully. And only one person went to therapy.

Another frequent outcome of having one person of the couple go to therapy is that the other person soon becomes curious about it. Often the second person will either want to come visit a session, or even want his or her own therapist, or want the treatment to become couple counseling for the two of them on a regular basis after all. If both the people have been miserable together, and one of them starts stepping out of the “yuckiness” and enjoying his or her life, how could the one left behind not want to also enjoy the good feelings that come from therapy?

Another reason not to push too hard to get someone to come to couple counseling is that sometimes it is too late. In that case, separate work may be preferable, especially if domestic violence has been part of the problem.

It should also be mentioned that some more emotionally mature couples who need to separate can make good use of a therapist who can help them un-couple. Meeting together for the purpose of deconstructing the relationship, dividing things up, processing anger and grief, and honoring the goodness in the past can be a reasonable goal.

Bottom line: Don’t let someone else talk you out of going for therapy just because the idea is not something they are ready for. You are a separate person. Go for it!

Carol Campbell is a therapist in Palo Alto, CA, where she specializes in providing psychotherapy.

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Both modern and ancient practices form the basis of many nature-based therapies. Many native cultures today still use a harmonious relationship with nature, to heal, physically, mentally and spiritually. In many native cultures, the shaman would in effect be the equivalent of our modern doctor, psychotherapist, counsellor and priest. In the western world we have come to treat the mind, body and spirit as completely separate even though they are clearly inter-related.

A considerable amount of research has been conducted into nature-based healing and personal development practices. There is now much evidence to suggest that developing a connection with nature can can produce many psychological benefits. These findings are being integrated with modern therapeutic practices under the umbrella term of ‘ecotherapy.’ It is a selection of these practices that are used during my own ecotherapy workshops and one-to-one sessions.

Why do we need nature-based therapy?

In industrialised countries we now spend more than 90% of our time indoors. To make matters worse only a small percentage of our time outdoors is actually spent in a natural environment. As a result our modern society has become increasingly disconnected from the natural world.

For millennia we have existed in a very close relationship with the natural world, and have been intrinsically connected to the rhythms of our natural environment, from our water and food, to the changing of the seasons. Human evolution has been so closely intertwined with our environment, that our need for a relationship with nature must reside in our very genes. Our genetic make-up has barely changed over the last 10000 years: an almost insignificant change of 0.005%. Therefore it would seem that despite our modern society and technological advancements, we are still genetically hard-wired to need to co-exist in close relationship with the natural environment.

As humans we seem drawn, almost unconsciously, to activities which involve the natural environment. Research suggests human identity, emotional well-being, and personal fulfilment depend on our relationship with nature. People are already aware of the beneficial psychological effects of simply walking in a forest or the mountains or being on a beach,. I’m sure it is no accident that we are drawn to areas of natural beauty when taking our holidays.

It is now believed by many researchers that our modern society’s disconnection from the natural world and our in-built need to relate to it, can create a series of internal mental conflicts, which can give rise to behavioural, emotional, and addictive problems.

Given our seemingly in-built requirement for interaction with the natural world for our physical and mental well-being, it would appear that there is a strong need for us to finds ways of re-integrating nature back into our lives, so that we can redress the balance.

A Possible Solution

Man has only recently become disconnected and isolated from the natural world. For as long as humans have been around, they have existed in relation to nature. They have made use of nature to heal and enhance their well-being, physically, mentally, and spiritually. Our in-built genetic requirement for relationship with nature has become disrupted, leaving us unbalanced and open to a variety of behavioural and emotional problems.

It has been shown by different researchers that just spending time outdoors in green space can have significant benefits on your mental, physical and spiritual well-being. This can be as simple as spending some time sitting in your local park, or garden, or with a pet, or going for a walk by the sea. If your issues are more severe, such as depression, anxiety, addictions, low self esteem or confidence then it would be worth seeking out the help of a professional and experienced ecotherapist.

Ecotherapies such as Wilderness Therapy, Pet-Assisted Therapy, Equine-Assisted Therapy, Nature Awareness, Green Therapy, Horticultural Therapy and Walking Therapy, all take this concept much further by actively utilising a connection with nature as part of the therapeutic process to enhance your psychological and spiritual health and well-being.

Ecotherapy and Traditional Talking Therapies

Ecotherapy is often focused much more on experiential learning, especially when compared to traditional talking therapies. Participants learn through relating to and immersing themselves in the natural environment and activities, as well as by talking about their insights and experiences.

The overall aim is to…

1. challenge your unhelpful thought patterns and perceived limitations, and develop insight into your own strengths, through the use of the natural environment and challenging nature-based activities.

2. develop a deeper understanding of how you relate to others, yourself, and your life, by reflecting on any symbolic or metaphorical relationships between the nature-based activities and your own life

3. process your new understandings through self reflection activities and by sharing your insights with others in a relaxed, constructive, supportive, non-judgemental environment.

4. integrate your new learnings and positive resources so that they become available in your everyday life

Could ecotherapy be suitable for?

The idea of sitting in a consulting room with a therapist is not appealing for some people even though they could benefit from it. If you would prefer to learn by doing and being, rather than talking and analysing and you are someone who has a keen interest in nature, and you love the great outdoors then nature-based therapies and coaching could be worth investigating.

To find out more about Nigel Magowan and his nature based therapy and coaching visit his website www.ecotherapy.eu Nigel is an ecotherapist and psychotherapist who regularly works with people who have anxiety, confidence, depression and addiction issues.

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